The young composer, working that summer at an artist’s colony, had
watched her for a week. She was Japanese, a panter, almost sixty,
and he thought he was in love with her. He loved her work, and her
work was like the way she moved her body, used her hands, looked
at him directly when she made amused and considered answers to his
questions. One night, walking back from a concert, they came to her
door and she turned to him and said, “I think you would like to have
me. I would like that too, but I must tell you that I have had a double
mastectomy,” and when he didn’t understand, “I’ve lost both my
breasts.” The radiance that he had carried around in his belly and chest
cavity — like music — withered very quickly, and he made himself look
at her when he said, “I’m sorry. I don’t think I could.” He walked back
to his own cabin through the pines, and in the morning he found a small
blue bowl on the porch outside his door. It looked to be full of rose
petals, but he found when he picked it up that the rose petals were on
top; the rest of the bowl— she must have swept them from the corners
of her studio — was full of dead bees.
